kettering magazine
Presents

A Tribute To Greatness Part Two - A Strolling Player Looks Back

starring Kenneth Williams, Joan Sims and John Moffat
written by Myles Rudge with music by Ted Dicks
broadcast on BBC Radio 3 17 November 1969

In Issue 6 of Kettering we published details of the 1969 3-part radio show A Tribute To Greatness along with the script for the first show. Here, then, is the script for part 2.

Introduction by Martin Daulby
The second episode of Tribute, 'A Strolling Player Looks Back' - was recorded at No.2 Piccadilly Studios (not the Grafton as the internet would have it) and eulogises Plantagenet Runciman, a kind of composite of the grand old Edwardian lions of theatre. In this it prefigures Harry Enfield's Emmy -winning spoof 1989 pseudo-documentary Norbert Smith: a life?, which similarly lampooned a thespian composite of Gielgud, Richardson and Olivier.

ANNOUNCER [Roy Williamson]
"Tribute to Greatness". St. John Winthrop, Critic, theatre historian and voyeur, introduces a profile of actor Plantagenet Runciman, a man who has brought pleasure to many in his own very special way. We present - "A Strolling Player Looks Back".

Joan and Ken sing parody of Elizabethan madrigal: 'Under The Greenwood Bough'

WINTHROP [John Moffat - Narrating]
Hearing the voice of Plantagenet Runciman in that excerpt from the Worthing and Hove Festival of Arts, I'm reminded of William Hazlitt. When asked to describe Edmund Keane's monumental Othello - he could only say - "He did come on in black-face and shout a lot". Similarly, how is one to describe the consumate artistry of Plantagenet Runciman? Well, of course one can't. It is... indescribable. All one can say is - This is the stuff of greatness. When I talked to him between shows at Hove in his charming cottage - "Prompt Corner" - I asked him, what makes a great actor?

PLANGE [Williams - Old sounding, aggressive]
What makes a great actor what?

WINTHROP
I mean - what makes him great?

PLANGE
Oh. Well - it's the ability to remember his lines.

WINTHROP
Certainly this is something all the great ones have in common. Olivier - Gielgud - Guinness.

PLANGE
What what what?

WINTHROP
Guinness.

PLANGE
Yes - that helps, of course. I wish May would hurry up with the tea...

WINTHROP
But mere words alone - surely this is just the beginning...

PLANGE
They say it helps if you know what they mean...

WINTHROP
Oh, of course...

PLANGE
In my opinion - it doesn't matter a jot.

WINTHROP
Really? That's very -

PLANGE
Much better if you don't. All this intellectualising. Not what the theatre's about.

WINTHROP
Ah. Now, Brecht says...

PLANGE
Only last week I saw that new piece by Harold Osborne. "Where's the plot?" I said. I turned to my companion - pretty little thing - and I said to her - "Where in heaven's name is the plot? Here we are - middle of the second act and...

FX: QUIVERING TEA TRAY

MAY [Joan - ancient and birdlike]
I hope you like Earl Gray tea, Mr... erm

WINTHROP
How very kind Mrs. Runc -

MAY
And I've toasted some pikelets.

PLANGE
What what what?

MAY
Pikelets, dear.

PLANGE
Well, don't mumble. Say it as if you meant it, [Loudly] Pikelets!

MAY
PIKELETS!

PLANGE
Never get anywhere with an inaudible pikelet!

MAY
Pikelets Ho!

PLANGE
Stop building up your part. Sit down left and start pouring.

WINTHROP [narrating]
The friendly professional banter of the Runcimans reminds us that they have been a working partnership for nearly fifty years. And how fruitful this has proved, both on stage and off. Imagine (Runciman's) joy when he was first offered a small part in "The Price of Her Shame", starring Gerald du Maurier and Gertie Gitana. Also in the cast was Florence Upshott. Miss Upshott - I think it was your first job as well?

FLORENCE [Joan]
It was, I've always been so grateful to Plange for giving me a helping hand.

WINTHROP
He showed you the ropes?

FLORENCE
He most certainly did. He took me up into the flies and he said, "Flo, these are the ropes". Oh, he was a wonderful teacher, you know, even then. Of course,when he had his own company, hundreds of young actresses were to pass through his hands.

WINTHROP [narrating]
For a while he was unsuccessful, but then his luck changed. His daughter, Hedda Runciman, who is today principal of the Rada, the Runciman Academy of Dramatic Art, takes up the thread of the story...

RADA STUDENT [Williams - a young lad, with a lisp]
Oh, what a rogue and peathant thlave am I. Ith it not monthrouth that -

HEDDA [Joan - RP accent]
No no, Laurence. Let's have a bit more guts

STUDENT
Yeth, Mith Runthiman. [Exactly the same] Oh, what a rogue and peathant thiave am I -

HEDDA
Splendid. Bash it out. Lots of guts. Now - where were we, Mr. Winthrop?

WINTHROP
Shouldn't we wait till he's finished?

HEDDA
Oh, Certainly not. Mustn't think that just because he's acting, people are going to listen.

WINTHROP
Oh. You were telling me how your father's luck changed.

HEDDA
Ah yes. Well, he heard that Maisie Fenby was doing, a revue at the Whitehall called "Over the Top", and she couldn't find a leading man to support her.

WINTHROP
Due to the war...?

HEDDA
No. Due to Maisie having put on so much weight. Anyway - my father rushed round to the theatre and gave them his "Once more unto the Breach" speech. [Abruptly] Why have you stopped, Laurence?

STUDENT
Forgotten the wordth, Mith Runthiman.

HEDDA
Well, fill in with a bit of business. Take out your sword and wave it.

STUDENT
Not wearing one, Mith Runthiman.

HEDDA
Wave something else then. Try and show a bit of initiative, Laurence.

STUDENT
Oh. All right. Mith Runthiman.

HEDDA
Where was I? Oh yes. Well, the management were most interested and before you could say "Overture and beginners" he was in it.

WINTHROP
The revue?

HEDDA
Erm - no. The Army. Unbeknownst to him, they were holding a recruiting drive in the foyer.

WINTHROP
But surely he could have -

HEDDA
Excuse me. Laurence - what are you doing?

STUDENT
Showing a bit of initiative, Mith Runthiman.

HEDDA
Well show it somewhere else.

WINTHROP
I think I'd better be...

HEDDA
Laurence, we'll do a bit of work on the consonants. Say after me - Sister Susie sits sewing shirts for soldiers.

STUDENT
Thithter Thuthie thitth thewing...

WINTHROP [narrating]
It was a bleak March morning when Bombadier Runciman embarked for France. Two weeks later, Bombadier Runciman was a casualty of war having tried to open a tin of plum jam with his bayonet. During his three years convalescence, his thoughts turned to his less fortunate comrades. An idea was beginning to take shape, which was to boost the morale of all the Allied troops in France. In a little under three months, he'd formed the 'Verey Light Concert Party'.

Cue Song – piano, music hall type - rather badly played.

ALBERT PARMENTIER [Williams - sings energetically]
Cheer up Tommie, Yankee, Frog and Pommie -
we'll soon have the Kaiser on the run.
We'll say tomorrow toodle-pip to sorrow hullo to Piccadilly
and adieu to the Hun,
We'll be returning
where home fires are burning
if we just keep advancing to the rear,
So pack up your troubles in your Gladstone bag
'Cos the Verey Light Lads are here.
Hooray!

WINTHROP
Thank you very much, Mr. Albert....

ALBERT [still singing]
Oh - cheer up, chummy,
we're writing home to Daddy,
the Boch have got their backs against...

WINTHROP [narrating]
Runciman was but a boy when he went to France. He came back a man. But where was the brave new world he had been fighting for? The London he returned to had changed. The taxi driver at Victoria Station was very off-hand. And the public convenience was closed for alterations, [becoming impassioned] and at Runciman's Stores in Balham, a veal and ham pie was found to contain a button hook and half a throat lozenge. People seemed to have stopped caring!
But Plange wasn't the sort to take it lying down. "May", he said, "If none of the theatres want me - I'll jolly well start a theatre of my own". And he jolly well did.

THE YOUNG PLANGE [Williams in patriarchal tones]
"The Price of Her Shame" in Hyde Park at the New Alfresco Theatre. Starring Plantaganet Runciman and most of the West End Cast. This play is unsuitable for children. In the boating shed if wet.

WINTHROP
Plantaganet Runciman had arrived and 'The Price of Her Shame' was on everyone's lips. Then, with a stroke of genius, he moved his company to the Booking Office Theatre, Kings Cross Station... So that persons waiting for trains could pass the time in a congenial atmosphere… What a brilliant repertoire of plays... "Up in Mabel's Room" - "The Relapse" - "A Woman of No Importance" and all the best scenes from Ibsen in a pot-pourri called "Up The Fford". Of course, he had to enlarge his company. Banquo Runciman in his thought-provoking book "Move to the French Windows", quotes his father as saying...

BANQUO [Williams - Scottish accent]
If a town has got a railway station, why hasn't it got a theatre? And vice versa.

WINTHROP
Did this revolutionary concept give him the idea of the Runciman Touring Players? One thing is certain. Having conquered London, Runciman decided to conquer England.

Bustling music -

FLORENCE [Announcing]
The Runciman Touring Players present - Othello at the Waiting Room Theatre, Whitby.

PLANGE
Henry the Fourth, Part One, at the Refreshment Bar Theatre, Aberystwyth. Part two at the Left Luggage Theatre, West Hartlepool.

PLANGE
"Cavalcade" at the Signal Box Theatre, Redcar.

WINTHROP
Yes. These were golden years for the Runciman Touring Players. And Runciman himself was so absorbed in his work that he never noticed a cloud on the horizon - a cloud no bigger than a man's foot...

PLANGE
It was during "No No Nanette!" at the Gents Wash and Brush-Up Theatre, Leeds. I wasn't in the show and was having a glass of ale with the Station Master's wife. Fine figure of a woman. [lustily] Thighs like a York ham... I stepped across to the Box Office in the interval to count the takings and not a damned seat had been sold. Silent as the tomb, old son. "Where's the damned audience?" I said. Came out onto the platform and where were the damned trains?

WINTHROP
The date was 2nd of May, 1926. The General Strike had started. The Runcimans returned to London and did what they could to help get the country back on its feet. And so "The Whizz Bang Girl" got under way. And when the curtain rose on the famous Promenade Deck scene, the Runciman's duet stopped the show and set all London dancing.

Cue song "The Whizz Bang Girl" backed by record hiss. The script instructs Ken to sing 'a la Bobby Howes' and Joan to sing 'a la Jessie Matthews'

KEN SINGS
The saucer has its cup - the oyster has its pearl and ev'ry little boy must have a little Whizz Bang Girl.

JOAN SINGS
To set his heart a-whirl just ask the chimney sweep.

KEN
Or ask a Bobby.

JOAN
Or the belted earl.

KEN
Who's in the lobby…

JOAN
Is it Clara Bow who makes him tap a toe till earl-ly morning?

BOTH
No! The answer always is... it's just his little Whizz Bang Girl.

TAP DANCE noises, Ken ad libs 'Turn... kick... travel' as Joan makes out of breath noises.

WINTHROP
Ah, what memories that has for us all! Overnight, Runciman was back on top. After the show his dressing-room was filled with a glittering throng of celebrities and in the middle of all this excitement, Runcinan heard an unfamiliar voice saying....

IRVING B. FISH [Williams with aggressive American accent]
Young man, I'm going to take you to Hollywood!

WINTHROP
Irving B. Fish - is that you, speaking from your home in Beverly Hills, Hollywood, California, USA?

FISH
Is that you, Plange, you old ham?

WINTHROP
No - this is St.John Winthrop -

FISH [angry]
Who?

WINTHROP
Erm - St.John Winth -

FISH
The hell it is. Have I been woken up at four a.m. to speak to some two-bit nobody?

WINTHROP [awkward]
I was hoping you'd tell us about Runciman's film career.

FISH [aside]
Honey - don't do that while I'm talking...

WINTHROP
I believe you directed his first Hollywood picture.

FISH
Right. It was also his last. The silent version of "Madame Butterfly", starring Anna May Wong and Rin Tin Tin.

WINTHROP
What an incredible list of stars!

FISH
Yeah. And my next mistake was to shoot the whole thing in the Chinese Quarter of Mexico City. [aside] Honey - please! [to Winthrop] When we got back to the studios, the whole thing had to be scrapped.

WINTHROP
What had happened?

FISH
"The Jazz Singer" had happened. Sound. We tried to re-make it as a musical, but we couldn't find anyone to write the score. Rogers and Hart were out of town - Gershwin had sprained his wrist.

WINTHROP
But surely Puccini...

FISH
He was under contract to Warner Brothers. Then we discover that Rin Tin Tin is pregnant and the dog's agent is suing some spaniel in Mexico City - [aside] Honey, for Pete's sake...

WINTHROP
Well thank you, Mr. Fish, for calling us from your home in Beverly Hi...

FISH
The hell I did. You called me.

WINTHROP
Well, yes, but -

FISH
Right. So you pay for the call. [aside] Honey, for Pete's sake, wake up!

Runciman returns home and reforms the Runciman Players, organising a tour of prisons.

[On the script at this point is scribbled the name 'Felix Aylmer' one of Ken's old standby voices.]

VICAR [Williams]
Yes, I'd just been appointed Prison Chaplain at Wormwood Scrubs when a Mr. Runciman asked to see me -

WINTHROP [narrating]
The Vicar of the Parish Church of Heaving, in Wiltshire, recalls his meeting with Plantaganet Runciman...

VICAR
That's better. They're about to start choir practice. Yes, he asked to see me, on a matter of great importance.

WINTHROP
I don't suppose you realised it was the Plantaganet Runciman.

VICAR
The? Why - are there several?

WINTHROP
I mean - the famous actor.

VICAR
Oh no. I'd never heard of him. But I'd have seen him anyway. A prison chaplain gets used to meeting all sorts and conditions of men, you know. And at first, I thought he was one of the... erm... residents. One tries not to use the word 'convict'. It has such unpleasant associations.

WINTHROP
Quite.

VICAR
Though really - that's what they were. Having been convicted of various crimes, some of them remarkably ingenious. Do you know, we had. a Post Office sorter who had chopped up a relative and posted all the various bits to -

WINTHROP
But when Runciman outlined his plan for presenting plays to the - er - residents you were very enthusiastic.

VICAR
Oh - I didn't actually oppose it. Of course, Mr Runciman's choice of play was singularly ill advised. His own adaptation of "Crime and Punishment".

WINTHROP
But surely that was the whole point. A sort of shock therapy.

VICAR
Oh - it was shocking in the extreme, And afterwards - several of the audience confessed to the most appalling crimes that weren't even on their records.

WINTHROP
But how absolutely fascinating.

VICAR
It was. Five of them were warders.

WINTHROP [narrating]
Runciman planned to visit Holloway Jail with a performance of "Mrs Warren's Profession" but this idea was scotched by the Society for Penal Reform. But the work continued and in 1959 the company set off on a tour of the capital cities of Europe. Mr Runciman, I believe you only just got out of Berlin in time?

PLANGE
Oh yes. I knew old Fritz was up to something. I met him you know.

WINTHROP
Who - Fritz?

PLANGE
No - Hitler. Matter of fact, I gave him a hand with one of his speeches. "Build to the climax," I said, "Build to the climax. You can throw the beginning away if you build to..." [calling] May - there's someone at the door. May....? [to Wimthrop] Oh - answer it would you?

MAVIS [Joan]
Hullo. I've come for the [giggles] the audition.

WINTHROP
I'm afraid Mr Runciman's busy.

PLANGE
Ah - come in my dear young woman - come in.

MAVIS
Oh ta, I'm sure.

PLANGE
Take off your coat and let's have a look at you.

MAVIS
If this gentleman'll hold my bag -

WINTHROP
Really, I -

PLANGE
Oh yes - yes. Just the type we need. Outstanding talent! Any experience?

MAVIS
What of?

PLANGE
Acting.

MAVIS
No.

PLANGE
So much the better. Tomorrow night you'll make your debut as Cleopatra.

FX: Seawash sounds

PLANGE
And thus we end our play
beneath a banner - green and mauve,
Here in fair Worthing
and near neighbouring Hove

Thin applause

WINTHROP [narrating]
During this final performance of the Worthing and Hove Festival of Arts, I have been asking myself - what lies ahead for Plantaganet Runciman? Will he, as many people hope, revive "The Price of Her Shame", a play which theatre-lovers all over the world refer to affectionately as - "Shame"? One thing is sure, whatever the role - Plange is ready to take the plunge!

Renewed applause and annoyed shouts of 'Shame!' - 'Take it off!' etc

PLANGE
Thank you, my friends, thank you! And in response to your rapturous ovation - my wife and I would like to delight you with some of our past successes. Hit it, Maudie!

"WHIZZ BANG GIRL" is reprised by Joan and Ken, with revised verses to suit the older Runcimans.

Fulsome thanks must be pointed at Myles Rudge for additional information and unattributed quotes. Also to 'How lucky we am', the Dicks & Rudge fan club.